I am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO STUPID!!! For not listening to myself, for not listening to Jenny, for not listening to Mom when she said to re-read my blogs to figure it out. I was so insanely unhappy the last few weeks, just because of my own stupid head filled with regret. I skyped everyone I could think of to help me figure it out, how to be happy with myself, where I am, where to go, what to do. Mom said to re-read my blogs. I didn’t. I should have. I should have. Hindsight man, it’s KILLING me. I know I said this is being alive, but this kind of living is killing me from the inside. Or making me stronger I guess. If I had just done that simple thing and re-read my last blog, and this one that I wrote upon leaving Laos, I would have known what to do. But I was fighting. Stubborn Taurus. I was fighting myself, fighting Mom, fighting the people that know what they were talking about. Here is what I wrote. If I had read it a week ago, well I would have saved myself a lot of money, a lot of time worrying, a lot of stress, a lot of everything. Why why does it take me so long to realize what I’m doing wrong and fix it?! Unbelievable. Here is what I wrote.
I think Sae Lao Project was a gift to me from Paba. From the Universe. Paba is part of the universe, and so am I. Both our energies are still out there. I used to make him play “restaurant” with me on our weekend shopping trips. He always just wanted to spoil me and get me anything I want ( I mostly wanted to play restaurant). Now the universe leads me to a restaurant out in the countryside of Laos, where I fell in love with the place. And the owner, Sengkeo needs help and wants me to run the restaurant, just talking to people what I’m good at and learning how to cook. I said if I found a place that I loved, I would have the freedom to stay awhile. Now I can stay for working at the restaurant. And I said I would like to learn to cook or something. This is exactly what I had in mind and more. When I was young playing games of imagination, I always pretended I lived way out in the countryside, getting my water from the lake with a pail, feeding piggies and ducklings as part of my morning chores. The restaurant is at this farm on a beauitufl lake way out in the countryside.
And I wanted to teach, and be a summer camp counselor. This place lets me see if I like that. I love it, kids give you such energy.
And I wanted to see how it felt to be a volunteer coordinator since that’s what so many NGO’s and struggling nonprofit projects need. This place would allow me to do all of these things that I’ve been wondering about, in one place, where I wouldn’t have to pay. These are all things to consider staying. I’m currently on a bus to Vientiene then to Chiang Mai so technically I’ve already left. But I can come back. Some “mistakes” are truly lessons. And some lessons are expensive. If I’m out the price of this bus ticket to chiang mai, so be it. The universe has me on this path for a reason. Maybe it takes leaving to realize how much I loved it. Maybe I’ll find something more perfect.
I can’t help but feel I should have stayed longer. It’s no use since I’m on the bus now anyway, adventure ahead. But truthfully I could have stayed there for longer, working and learning and teaching, for free. But there’s that nagging question of What is best?? Will I always feel this way? I also wanted to teach monks!! And this would let me do that too. Most volunteer programs cost money, but this one would not. Why is it that I didn’t stay?
I also wanted to know what farm life was like, and it gave me that too. At least, rice farming and gardening. Basically a startup nonprofit in paradise to let me do what I want with it. But I want to see more. I don’t know if I want to get stuck in a place.
I could also stay there awhile doing environmental research and helping set up ecotourism. Can I do this any place?? Is this just my first real experience with it?? Maybe I need to see more so I can do more at SAE Lao. See how it’s done other places. Maybe there are bigger reasons than me making fruit shakes in the restaurant, bigger reasons for me being on this bus to chiang mai now. Damn I don’t know why I left on one hand. On the other, I don’t know what I’ll find. This is what traveling is about?
Learning, learning. I walk out one door, another one opens. But that’s the thing about doors, you can usually go both ways. I can always go back.
I will never know what happened at SAE Lao regarding myself and figuring out what I want during this month; but then, I also won’t know what didn’t.
If I stayed, then it would be a choice between silent meditation in December over Christmas, or going home to be with my family for that holiday. A true choice between togetherness with my family and silent solitude. But is this just me putting too much stock in Western traditions like the December holidays? But like Aunt Tami said, I am still an American. Hm. Maybe I’m here to save myself the turmoil of choosing between myself and family…but I’m still going to have to choose that in the end, won’t I?
Part of me wants to say Damn, part of me wants to let the thoughts flow off the waterfall.
Should I be traveling with a friend like this?? Hm, well I am, and it’s because it’s what I wanted at some moment in time. I’m mourning leaving this place because I know what I’m leaving behind; it’s keeping me from having an open mind about what may happen in the new place. Thailand. I did only want to spend a month in Laos. I can always go back.
Now written from Thailand…WHY DIDN’T I GO BACK SOONER??
Fuck, maybe Ed was right….It isn’t just this situation that I’m feeling this way about. I’ve felt this “why why why why stupid stupid stupid stupid” regret about 50 million things in the past few weeks, not just about this. Maybe it is just in me. How to fix it, how to fix it….
I’m so tired. I’m so tired of spending my trip in Thailand trying to fix myself. Trying to fix this feeling. I thought weeks ago that maybe I should just check myself into a silent meditation retreat. One friend suggested it, and didn’t give me much more support. I thought that was insensitive and was hurt, and also thought that maybe it is right. Of course, now if I do that and it does help, I’m only going to be kicking myself for not doing it sooner. And that feeling is EXACTLY what I’m trying to let go. Regret and self hatred for making the wrong choices. But as EVERYONE has been telling me, there are no wrong choices, there are choices, and they simply are. And we learn from them. This trip to Thailand sure has been nothing like I thought it would be. I did say I wanted to travel not to have fun on a beach with friends, but to learn about myself. I feel like I’ve been breaking and losing myself so much, and picking back up and dropping down all over again, over and over. Hopefully there is light at the end of this and I am learning some valuable lessons about myself. All you can do is hope and be grateful. I don’t know how I’m going to even begin writing about all of these ridiculous lessons. I should have been doing it all along. I’ll just try to remember what the lady at the yoga studio said “Stop shoulding all over yourself”